I've just started reviewing the mass of saved ramblings, essays, mind-vomit, or any category of writings I've created in the past few years. This first one was written on a train in Penn Station NYC, at some ungodly time of night. I was tired, but restless. I'd been to Penn before, under a completely different set of circumstances. At the time I wrote this brief reminiscence, I was by myself, but I wasn't alone. I didn't give it an official title, but the file was named Penn Station Reminiscence. Enjoy.
8.29.2011
5.10.2011
The Hard Part: It's That Easy
So it's been awhile since my last post. I feel like this whole writing thing comes in fits and starts. I have little interest anymore in sitting down to write something great. Instead, I'm happy that I'm capable of writing anything mediocre. You know, it's been said that practice makes perfect.
And now for something completely different:
Clearly, I have some digging to do. Dad always told me that I have to dig a hole before I figure out where I am. Guess what dad: I know where I am. I'm in a hole.
I'm sure that as these posts go on, I'll make less and less sense, so with the knowledge that this may be the last post that makes a modicum of sense and meets rudimentary syntactic and grammatical rules...wait, what was I talking about again?
Regressive digression may just be my new friend. Truthfully, it's how my mind operates at the current moment. Disconnected threads now frayed and loose, hang below my collar bone, and I'm stark naked. What's worse: I was once woven in Kevlar, but am now paunchy and translucent. My ribcage is poking the fat that hangs over my groin. Blah. I'm telling you, it's the damn pizza.
I now have to convince myself somehow that it's not ok to eat an entire large pizza at work if I want to lose weight. In order to do that, I have to set my sight on the Army, which requires that I lose 70 lbs in order to be considered. By the time I lose 70 lbs, I'll have to retake the ASVAB, because 2 years have elapsed since my last go at it. Of course, I'd want to score higher, so I'll have to begin studying now.
On top of that, I have to convince myself that the Army is a good career path. In order to arrive at that conclusion, I have to convince myself that delivering pizzas for the rest of my life won't pay the bills. After this sparkling realization, I have to work harder to get a slightly less shitty job. Once I work that job for a time, I have to come to the conclusion that this slightly less shitty job is actually extremely dull, and in reality, more shitty job than my last job.
In short: no pizza, lose weight, study, consider career, work shit job, study, Army is better, study, ASVAB, Army, profit, (study?).
So whilst searching for that magical first step into the pool, I turn further inward. But that's a dark, scary, sordid place. Then outward becomes the next best option. However, it's just as scary: I just become filled with more remorse about the decisions I've made, conclude I pull more out if people than I ought to, become misanthropic, and turn inward again. It's this constant oscillation, like a broken, rusty metronome. It's the source of much of my deep, ongoing stress these days. It's like that nagging question: WTF have I done with my life, and where TF am I going?
Fuck it. I'm no longer worried about it. I'm tired of being a teenaged wasteland at 26.93 years of age. I have a goddamn baby to feed and a wonderful wife who loves me in spite of all of this. Now that I'm a husband and a dad, it's time to suck it up and get over my sorry bullshit and just dive in. Forget these infantile collective delusions of grandeur. I was born into mediocrity, but only because I'm a normal person.
This easy conclusion has been one of the hardest things in my life to deal with. The only person that gave a shit where I stood upon the social totem pole was me, despite a fabricated hollow policy of iconoclasticism. (newly coined word, btw) It's time to Start fresh again, and hope for the best in the future. There's no longer an option for tabula rasa. Instead of wiping it clean, I'll just edit it.
That's all for now. Time to sleep next to the most beautiful sprawled-out snoring woman I've ever met.
And now for something completely different:
What's keeping me down? Is it the fear of mediocrity? (though by definition, I'm already there) Is it my lack of will? (But I should have been suffering from that last summer when I ingested psychogenic substances that were legal at the time...) Is it my lack of focus? (this is very much the case) Is it my depression? (or should I call it that run of the mill suburban angst) Is it my lack of education (Also very much the case) My ego? My weight? My laziness? My inability to arrange these troubles in a hierarchical manner?
Clearly, I have some digging to do. Dad always told me that I have to dig a hole before I figure out where I am. Guess what dad: I know where I am. I'm in a hole.
I'm sure that as these posts go on, I'll make less and less sense, so with the knowledge that this may be the last post that makes a modicum of sense and meets rudimentary syntactic and grammatical rules...wait, what was I talking about again?
Regressive digression may just be my new friend. Truthfully, it's how my mind operates at the current moment. Disconnected threads now frayed and loose, hang below my collar bone, and I'm stark naked. What's worse: I was once woven in Kevlar, but am now paunchy and translucent. My ribcage is poking the fat that hangs over my groin. Blah. I'm telling you, it's the damn pizza.
I now have to convince myself somehow that it's not ok to eat an entire large pizza at work if I want to lose weight. In order to do that, I have to set my sight on the Army, which requires that I lose 70 lbs in order to be considered. By the time I lose 70 lbs, I'll have to retake the ASVAB, because 2 years have elapsed since my last go at it. Of course, I'd want to score higher, so I'll have to begin studying now.
On top of that, I have to convince myself that the Army is a good career path. In order to arrive at that conclusion, I have to convince myself that delivering pizzas for the rest of my life won't pay the bills. After this sparkling realization, I have to work harder to get a slightly less shitty job. Once I work that job for a time, I have to come to the conclusion that this slightly less shitty job is actually extremely dull, and in reality, more shitty job than my last job.
In short: no pizza, lose weight, study, consider career, work shit job, study, Army is better, study, ASVAB, Army, profit, (study?).
So whilst searching for that magical first step into the pool, I turn further inward. But that's a dark, scary, sordid place. Then outward becomes the next best option. However, it's just as scary: I just become filled with more remorse about the decisions I've made, conclude I pull more out if people than I ought to, become misanthropic, and turn inward again. It's this constant oscillation, like a broken, rusty metronome. It's the source of much of my deep, ongoing stress these days. It's like that nagging question: WTF have I done with my life, and where TF am I going?
Fuck it. I'm no longer worried about it. I'm tired of being a teenaged wasteland at 26.93 years of age. I have a goddamn baby to feed and a wonderful wife who loves me in spite of all of this. Now that I'm a husband and a dad, it's time to suck it up and get over my sorry bullshit and just dive in. Forget these infantile collective delusions of grandeur. I was born into mediocrity, but only because I'm a normal person.
This easy conclusion has been one of the hardest things in my life to deal with. The only person that gave a shit where I stood upon the social totem pole was me, despite a fabricated hollow policy of iconoclasticism. (newly coined word, btw) It's time to Start fresh again, and hope for the best in the future. There's no longer an option for tabula rasa. Instead of wiping it clean, I'll just edit it.
That's all for now. Time to sleep next to the most beautiful sprawled-out snoring woman I've ever met.
2.09.2011
Hello again. I'm back.
As you've probably noticed, I haven't posted in awhile. While there are a litany of reasons I could list for avoiding my blog for this long, I think the main cause is:
A) Laziness
B) Parenthood
I've been working on both, but raising a newborn can be quite taxing. I've been particularly overwhelmed recently, and since I've quit my job at Dominos, I've had more time to spend with Luna. However, my massive lack of good sleep in 2 months coupled with a punishing need to eat a ton of pizza at work has significantly increased derailed thought. I hope that reducing the availability of pizza will help me eat better. Edit: I guess it already has
Also, I've had a chance to pursue a few hobbies with the free time, namely building computers and photography. This won't last forever, and soon I'll subject myself to another round of punishingly mind-numbing work to earn a paycheck. Until then, I'll have more time to dedicate to my daughter and to blogging about this experience. While my posts will be fewer and farther in between here at OOaOO, I'll be posting more at another little project I've started.
A) Laziness
B) Parenthood
Also, I've had a chance to pursue a few hobbies with the free time, namely building computers and photography. This won't last forever, and soon I'll subject myself to another round of punishingly mind-numbing work to earn a paycheck. Until then, I'll have more time to dedicate to my daughter and to blogging about this experience. While my posts will be fewer and farther in between here at OOaOO, I'll be posting more at another little project I've started.
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